The Vigilance of Trees.

How do trees feel in the Winter?
Do they miss their leaves that once held on like a force like gravity?
Green as emeralds on a dutchess' throat that then caught fire in reds and golds and set said trees ablaze with the brevity of life, only to fall down dead and brown.
And then the snow and the ice and the Northern wind came and laid their weighty burdens on their naked boughs.
So for three months those trees shivered and shook, remembering their former glory until fragile rays of life touched their heads. Those rays grew in size and strength and melted away the sorrow of winter to reveal rebirth beneath.
Lovely small green shoots of the future had been concealed and the trees gasped a deep breath, realizing that as long as roots of hope stay firm in the ground, life will always return in spring.
Then small jewels of blossoms grew and bedecked the trees with fresh new petals, more lovely than years gone by.
Those blossoms soon change to thick strong leaves that shelter fruit and seed, the legacy of those Giants of Earth.
As it always has been, those seeds fell, and the leaves were set ablaze again by the setting sun of Autumn. The Harvest Moon comes and bestows the kiss of death, and their bright beautiful garments turn brown and fall.
Naked again they wait shivering until spring returns.

The Kindest Constellation.

"Good evening stars!" I say as I lay down on slightly sloping shingles. "How are you?" This of couse is a silly question, seeing as stars are always wonderful. But still they wink their greeting at me, as they have always done. The Great Trident (as I call it) sits right above me, staring down, ready at any moment to strike away my anxiety, worry, or regret. That's nice of him. For a while I lay down, crying, then laughing over this silly life. Then I get up, blow them all a goodbye kiss, and climb back inside.

Cool huh?

Pretentious Criticism.

I spent some time today to read over old blog posts that I wrote like a year and a half ago. Some I still absolutely love (insert proud grin), others now disgust me. Its kinda cool how we change over the years. Heck, its cool how we change over months. Instead of deleting those "silly old posts" I am keeping them as a record of thought, or a timeline of mental/spiritual progression. Who knows though, I may end up deleting it all and starting over. The pretentious part of it all is that I am pretty much writing this all to myself, cause I know no one reads any of this crap.

The Saddest Thing.

I love, love, love sitting around with my greatest friends talking about everything from sex to the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist. Or, gathering together to make art out of magazine pictures and sharing a box of Franzia. We do homework (yes Mom I do actually do homework), listen to Lauryn Hill, and read poetry. We lay on the roof and look at the stars and the trees. We laugh, we cry, we sing, and we love. But it won't last forever.

Hammock Recollections.

My cares do drop like acorns
from that big Oak Tree
beside the porch.
Sitting on the roof
hearing leaves sing classy jazz
while sunlight pirouettes
on the branches,
my head rests on a pillow of resolve
as the breeze blows
my future ever closer.
I sip wine as pipe smoke
carries my prayer
to heaven.

Glory be.

Amen.

Against The Doctrine of the Wretched Human.

In my life I have been bombarded with two different ideas of humanity. The one of the world that views man is in a way perfect and without need of a god. The constant worship of the individual, the imagination, the power. This is obscenely wrong. There is the opposite view as well, held by many Christians, that man is so filthy, worthless, and undesirable, that our mere existence is a miracle. I find this a little stupid.

There is this ongoing hatred for Adam and Eve for their fall into sin, which has so plagued us since then. I am obliged however to thank God for Adam and Eve, and to be thankful for that sin that gave us need of a redeemer, Jesus Christ. Without sin, we could not be reconciled, and therefore in my opinion, have a working and walking relationship with God. We love him more because we were without him. It is often said that we are unworthy to praise God, but does God find us unworthy? If he did, would we be able to praise him?

Someone stop me if I am spouting heresy: but I really think that if man sucked so bad, Jesus wouldn't have been one. Now don't mistake me here, I know I am not perfect and I never will be, and neither will anyone I know this side of glory. And yes, we are in need of a savior. But God thought we were so vile, would he have sent a savior in the first place?

Ponder that, friends. I want to hear your thoughts.

Mere Scribbles On a Page.

Sitting at the desk, I see clouds dancing on the sky;
They fly right by,
Without a care or a frown.
So I smile at them,
But they don't smile back.
Eyes on the prize they fly.

Tears in my eyes I smile at the sun.
Whether its from brightness or sadness, you or I will never know.
The sun smiles back
Until clouds fly right by.
Oh well. I'm blind anyway.

I sing with the birds for a while
But they keep changing keys.
Dancing on the leaves they sing a song I cannot know,
So I look for a smile from the sun.
But alas, he has gone on to bring joy to someone else.

The moon is here instead
Gently crying back at me.
The clouds only magnify her joy and sorrow.
The stars sing a song, this time I sing along.
Their dance is as old as the sky itself.

The trees clap there knotted hands
To a rhythm they never knew.
They sway in peace and solitude.

Someday I will be no more.
The sun will still smile at the clouds,
The birds will always sing their harmonies,
Dissonant with the rest of humanity;
The moon will shed a tear,
But she won't know that I'm not here.

But I know where I go, I can sing,
I can dance.
I can sit with my Father,
My eternal Father,
As he tells stories to me on his lap.

Wisdom and Intelligence.

I just found out that every day my great grandmother prays that I will be wise and intelligent. That is probably the most appropriate thing anyone has ever prayed for me. How cool is that!

Observing.

I feel like lately I have just been watching myself live, not really living, like a boring documentary. How in the world did that happen?

More Than A Class. A Test.

Doubt has crept in and made its home right beside faith, where it should be. I've been asked questions in an academic setting that have affected me on a spiritual level. I had previously thought that God would give me all the answers I wanted to know, "Ask and it shall be given." But now I wonder if I have been somehow egotistical in my endeavors. Who am I to know the wiles of God? Am I wrong in wanting to know answers? Now some are easy, you just have to read and not get your own ideas in the way. Others, however, are completely unanswerable. Like why do bad things happen? OMG how am I supposed to get that one? Job never really figured that one out. Burdens from the past have crept upon me. I am reminded of dark times full of false teachings. He thought he knew everything too. My faith is strong, my relationship still growing, but I've come off the mountain and entered the valley. Pray for me.

Disappointment Leads to Preperation.

God answers prayer. That's a fact. But he often answers NO. Whether we like it or not. This happened recently with yours trully. I asked God to either confirm something in my life, or release it. So a month of earnest prayer later, he released me from it. It hurt, it hurt REAL bad. But it was worth it. Now have I COMPLETELY let go yet? Unfortunately no. But things take time. What is AMAZING is how God removes the bad, and replaces it with the good. In my case, it all happened within a weekend. Now I am ready to prepare myself for what God has in store.

Its not about me anymore.

Capital J

Joy. True limitless, mind boggling Joy has been promised to all those that enter into the kingdom of Heaven. Joy beyond the grandest possible understanding. PROMISED to us IN WRITING. Yet most people (myself included) look in the wrong places for minor, fragile, perishing pleasures that never have, do not now, nor ever will add up to the outstanding Joy that comes in and through knowing Jesus Christ.

Example #1: Money
Fiscal prosperity is nice. We all like money. Not all of us are rich but we sure do wish we were. But what about spiritual richness? Wealth of holiness? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ said that if we give up earthly belongings, and distractions, we will store up TREASURES IN HEAVEN. TREASURES!!!!!!!!!! For what doth it gaineth a man to inherit the whole entire blooming world, and lose his very own soul?

Example #2: Relationships
God has better lovers in mind for us than porn stars. UM HELLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! How do you expect to find the woman of your dreams that God has planned for you, if the only thing you can associate a beautiful woman with is sex??? God wants better for you than a computer screen or a DVD. (I am saying this as much for myself as for anyone else who might struggle with this.) I want THE wife that GOD planned for me from the beginning of time. I never want to settle for anything less than Gods perfect will. NOT TO MENTION that THE BIBLE SAYS to stay away from even a hint of sexual immorality, BECAUSE it will TRAP you (like a bear trap snappin your legs into pieces.......:) Sexual immorality includes: Lustful thoughts, pornography, homosexuality ect... So stay away from it, SO THAT you can get BETTER love than you have ever known. End of story.

Example #3: Decisions
Q: How many of us have ever made a mistake? .......................................................................................................................................................
........................................................................................................................................................................
A: ALL OF US!

Ok now that we know that, lets remember that GOD has never, is not now, nor ever will make a mistake. SOOO if we put our faith and trust in him, and prayerfully make decisions based on what we know to be the will of God, we should pretty much be right. Right? UNLESS we do something out of his will to mess ourselves up. Its an easy thing to SAY but it is week old caf cookies hard to do. I'm trying though, and I hope you are too.

Joy, guys and gals, is a thing IMPOSSIBLE to find on our own on this earth. BUT Joy in and through Jesus is so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so reachable. I hope you find that Joy. Because even now as I write this I become excited about what God wants to do in you, and with you, and through you.

May the JOY of the Lord be with you.

Whilst Sitting Alone.

Listening to a past voice lesson, watching SCRUBS, and eating Mac' and Cheese I ask myself, "How are ya Shea?" Well guys and gals, I'm doing great. I love choir, I am doing well in my classes, I'm enjoying my job. Everything is good. I am so acutely listening and looking for God here, and I'm finding him in some very strange places. I am learning more and more about him every day, and subsequently I learn more and more about myself. My faith is strengthening exponentially. Now I'm not going to say that I know EXACTLY what I am supposed to be doing here right now, but I think that's okay. Maybe right now, God just wants me to search and show my eagerness. Guess I'll stick with that.

Blessings on you all.

Requiem Aeternam.

Requiem aeternam dona eis Domine: et lux perpetua luceat eis. Te decet hymnus, Deus in Sion: et tibi reddetur votum in Jerusalem. Exaudi, exaudi orationem meam, ad te omnis caro veniet. Kyrie eleison. Christe eleison.

Rest eternal grant them, Lord our God, we pray to thee; and light perpetual forever shine on them. Thou, O God, art worshipped in holy Zion: unto thee the vow shall be performed in Jerusalem. Hear us, Lord, hear us. Hear thy servants prayer. Lord, unto thee all flesh shall come. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.

In memory of Dr. Lowell Ashman, a teacher, and a great influence on ALL who ever met him. May his memory shine warmly in our hearts, and may we show love to others as he showed love to us.

-Amen

I Hear That Train 'a Comin.

Wow, what in the world is going on here? Did I miss something? When did it become all about me? Wait........IT NEVER DID! I can feel something coming on me, its like I KNOW something is happening that is shaking me off my pedestal. I'm tired ladies and gents. Tired of taking the long road. What I'm getting at is that I forgot I'm not in control, and gosh darn it I'm tired of trying!! Lets get back to the basics Shea. Its time to think.

Beyond The Table.

In my English class we had to write a paper on the foods I would miss from home. I was a little stumped about this because frankly, all the food we cook in my house is good. So I wrote about the Sunday Dinner traditions that my family has. That was fine for my first draft, but my professor wanted me to write the paper as if it were a letter to my sister, who hypothetically did not want to continue attending dinner at my grandparents. I enjoyed this paper and wanted to share it with you.

Beyond The Table
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control, known commonly as the “Fruits of the Spirit”, are things one would generally expect to learn in Sunday school. Our family however, is slightly different. Our classroom is not in a church, nor is it in a school or a community center. No, in fact our classroom is in Mimi and Grandpa’s kitchen. We don’t all sit down, grab a bible and lecture. Instead we cook, we eat, and we clean up; every Sunday afternoon. To you, dear sister, this may sound extremely unorthodox and a little ridiculous. Do not be fooled. It is here that we learn lessons that go beyond the table. It is these lessons I’ll miss the most. Later on in life you’ll miss them too.
Love is a thing well known in the Berbaum household. We all express our love in different ways. Grandpa loves with his laugh. Mimi loves with her questions about your day. Jeremy loves you with every punch and head-lock. Fortunately, love is not just a laugh, a question, or a playful whack on the head. It is also being a servant, an idea well known in our family. As kids, our first real “chore” was to set the table, pour some drinks, and clean up after dinner. Mom and Mimi didn’t give us these simple tasks because they were lazy. They did it to teach us how to love. Servant hood isn’t obeying every command at the snap of a finger. Servant hood, as a Christian, is doing something without being asked, without asking anything in return, simply because you love someone. To love sweetheart, is to serve.
The Parable of the Mustard Seed is found in Matthew Chapter 13: 31-32. It’s a well know parable so I don’t really have to explain it to you. But does it really teach you HOW to practice your faith? I don’t think so. Christine Albert Berbaum on the other hand, shows us EXACTLY what faith is and how to implement it into everyday life. Any time someone in the family is sick what do they do? They call Mimi and have her pray for them. Any time you have a problem and need some help what do you do? You call Mimi and have her pray for you. The one major thing I have learned from our grandmother about prayer is this: prayer is more than asking God to do something. Prayer is asking God to do something, and then BELIEVING that he is going to do it, and then THANKING him for doing it.
Now, unfortunately, I must speak about the uglier side of Sunday dinner. Every family has its issues. Every family argues. We all know that the family is pretty emotional. We all know that Jeremy and Mom have very different opinions on some things. We all know that sometimes, arguments get out of hand. Do you remember when Uncle Jeremy and I got into that fight, and Grandpa had to break us up? That day was one of the worst days of my life. Never before had I been so furious at someone in my own family. The good thing about that day is that I learned a couple very valuable lessons. First and most importantly I learned forgiveness. The beautiful part about it is that we never officially apologized to each other. We just forgave and forgot. The other very important lesson was that of self control. I discovered that I never want to feel as angry as I was that day, ever again.
I did not write this letter to you to chastise you. I’m not angry or upset. I do want you to realize exactly what you are missing on Sundays. You’re missing laughs, tears, memories, and utterly amazing food. But most importantly you’re missing out on lessons that will stick with you for the rest of your life. Sure, our “classroom” is a little unorthodox. But don’t be fooled, my dear sister. It’s during those seemingly unimportant Sunday dinners that we learn lessons that go beyond the table. It’s those lessons I’ll miss the most. You’ll miss them more.

S3

So college has been good. As far as what LR has had to offer me, its been GREAT! But I haven't really connected with anyone yet......well except for the deaf kids. Ironically, they have taken me in more than anyone else. More then choir people (excluding Gospel choir), more than Poli Sci people. It seems that the people I am most different from, are the ones who show me the most love. I digress. Classes are excellent, most everyone is kind. My professors are good. I got a job. Its all coming together I believe. Thanks God. I came here looking, and I think I'm gonna find it.

Keep praying.

Actions Speak.

Its been only a few days since I arrived on the campus of LRU and already I am beginning to see God. There is a large deaf community at this school, so I am being introduced to a new society of people. The world of sign language is beautiful and expressive, and I want to be a part of it. There are two guys across the hall from me who are hearing impaired and they are the kindest most helpful people I have ever met. Stuart is helping me learn new words, so I thought it would be nice to do something for him, and the others at my school. SO I decided to be a "note taker" in my Religion 100 course. Its just a way for me to get connected with these new friends of mine, and to further immerse myself in this culture. God has made a fire in my heart, and I keep finding more and more fuel. We'll see how things go.

Go Bears!

So I woke up today at 5:00AM to get ready to leave. It took me like 10 min to shower and get dressed. We got to LR at 8:30ish because we didn't leave until 6, and we ended up eating at Waffle House for breakfast. Started moving my stuff in and it all became a blur of boxes, bags, people, and sounds. CRAZY! My room mate's name is Tyler, he seems like an alright guy. This ENTIRE weekend is gonna be crazy!! Classes dont start till Tuesday. Ill keep everyone posted on everything.
Thanks to all who helped me get here. Especially Mom, Jack, Jess, Mimi, and Grandpa.

GO BEARS!

Thank you GOD.

I cant really express in writing what just happened to me not three minutes ago. I just posted "Thank you AMK", then I went into my room and opened my Bible. My ribbon was on the first page of 1 Corinthians. I looked down and in bold were the words Christ the Power and Wisdon of God. (1 Corinthians 1:18-31) Just like that I realized what my problem has been. I thought I had it all figured out and I stopped looking for Gods will in my life. Isaiah 29:14 says "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent." As Paul said to the Corintihians, "Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has God not made foolish the wisdom of this world?" My arrogance has clouded my vision. Christ said the first will be last. I've been foolish.

I get it now Paul.